Ok so its been a long long time since i have written. In short news I had a wonderful 23rd birthday, the very first one with my only brother! God is so good! Ok, I am down in Augusta for the summer about an hour or so out of ATL but thats not why im blogging today....

Today i watched noahs arc jumping the broom three times! That movie really got to me. I am so lost in thought right now! Ok, so i know that i have been really busy in my young life or rather younger years... koming out at 16 was hard... i thought i was the ish on the chicago gay scene and i mean people really helped that notion going, i was never turned down, boys wanted me left and right and i was out doing whatever (you know what that means)... it wasnt until i got out of an abusive relationship and into a real life relationship did i begin start thinking about my lifestyle, my goals, my everything, and yes LOVE. I was in a relationship where i was not ready but i thought i did. my partner was overly ready and things did not work out... (you know what that means too).

Since that 2/3 year relationship i attempted to fill an emptyness i had inside to cover up my past, my childhood, my young want to have fun and have it all life, but i didnt have it all. i didnt have my life where it is now i didnt have love that i thought i had to seek outside of myself but being here in G.A. with my brother i have learned otherwise. my brother has thought me that no matter where i am in my life i should always first and foremost love my life, my decisions and know that my decisions should be what I want for ME because utimatlely i am laying the foundation for MY Life. Then I watched nohas arc jumping the broom movie and my soul ran miles and miles outside of its comfort zone...

I know that I love another man that has expressed that the simple possiblity of a mutual feeling is there. in fact He has reassured me that he too loves me. i have realized that i rushed in on him at first simply just because of a kute face and I was ready "to have" for a lustful engagement. however it (the feelings i have for and towards myself and he" have grown past what even i would have ever dreamed in my happily ever after dreams. i think of him more and more, i dont have to be in his pressence to feel him, to appreciate him. i dont have to recieve any tangable thing from him i dont have to have any physical from him all i need is for him to know that i love him and dont have even revieve ANYTHING IN RETURN to know that he feels the same... I AM IN LOVE PEOPLE AND I WANNA MAKE IT AN OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP I AM READY. .....

Help!

AHHHH so one please help me! Ok so I made a huge mistake in not communicating and be up front and honest with the one I love the most. Thing caught up with me and I had no choice but to be honest with him. Here is where it gets confusing. He forgave me! He gave another chance! I don't know why, I dont know how, but he did! I know he is the one for me and I know that I wont ever be stupid again. I have been so overwhelemed with emotion as of late. I am getting ready to leave him, my family and friends and go to ATL for the summer to live with my brother and work...I am so excited to go but I just really want him there too! AGGHHHHH Then its Mother's day coming up! I always get sad and depressed, given the circumstances of my life. I dont know I am just so lost right now! I need to pray...ttyl