that four letter word has crept back in my life... im addicted to the need, the want, the hope of potential love....

What do I do? I am so overwhelmed with someone right now.... I am willing to change not myself for them but my decision making... This person does not think that trust will fall through because of my decision making and I am just trying to figure out what it is exactly that I have "decided" that is so wrong that they feel as if they can not trust me? I am falling in love with myself again and in doing so I have allowed myself to open up for the possibility to love another person in the emotional, spiritual, and mental realm of life... It's been two days since I acquired this feeling and I can not find ease to sleep because I am afraid of learning how to be a friend without getting hurt... Damn it I want to be held, loved, kissed, hugged, and I want to be that hope of sincere happiness for this person because before I knew it they were providing me with advise, love, respect, and most importantly honesty! ...... So what do I do I ask myself.... Because I have been slain by an emotion I thought no longer existed in ME......

He Knows!

"God Knows how much you can bare" this has been running through my mind all week. Some days I feel like there is no one that really cares, and I had to get grips of myself and realize that God has not hurt or let me down. I have often thought that I was living to prove myself to people, to make my life the light of attention because I have been through so much. I used to feel that I have so much to prove to man and the world. Not anymore. I am not my own. I belong to God. I don't have to go through life feeling the need to be accepted nor do I have to push for any individuals confirmation about who I am! I know that I have a work to do for the Lord, and I know that I have work to do on my self for the Lord. No more waiting for man to give me the green light, I am already set for the race of life by the one who created it. I have the best equipment to successfully achieve all that He has planned for me simply because God said it is so! Sometimes our surroundings and individual circumstances seem to get so heavy on us that we feel betrayed by people we seem to have put trust in, forgetting that what really is happening is that God is preparing us for bigger battles at hand. I am growing into myself and learning how to maneuver in my own skin and I am damn proud of it! If I don't have any one to remind me of how much I am worth, I can always reassure myself through prayer and silence that I love Isaac Ricks, that I am happy with Isaac Ricks and God dwells in Isaac Ricks so I don't need affirmation from any so called friend or associate or family member because God is all I need. Now I'm going to relax by listening to Smokie Norful's "He Knows"......

Today was one heck of a day for me. I was for some reason extremely tired, thoughts about life and what I was going through kept my mind spinning out of control and all I want is some order. It took for me to get down right embarrassed in front my friends for me to open up and ask for input, advise, guidance and support. I am for the first time lost for words. I go through everyday feeling sad and bad for myself. I guess I have taken my life for granted, I have misconstrued what my purpose is and how much mercy I have been granted by God. I have found myself living, not for me, but for others and what they expect, and in doing so, I don't even know what Me, wants of Me anymore. I have yerned so long to be accepted, to be wanted, to have people want my presence and I have forgotten that the only thing that really matters and what God wants of me. I just have so much to pray about......