just a spill of stuff

So what a hell of a Halloween I had!... there was a party at benedictine university which i arrived too damn late for! Then there was an after party that was really not a party at all... then on the way home my car ran out of gas! Got gas, was about to pull up to my school when guess what... I got pulled over! Luckily I did not get a ticket and did not get into any trouble. I made it back safely to school and went to my room... I guess I am writing this because I am going through a little withdrawal! I miss wolfman! (He knows who he is)....

I am so lonely in the romantic field... I am trying to ignore it but hey lets be honest who the hell can ignore a natural feeling, a natural want and desire to have another to relate to, to have when the sun disappears into the night and to just be surely and absolutely reassured that they too love you... When you find me that person you have found the end of the rainbow! I am relapsing to my old self... I want to date so bad that hell the first offer I get I might just say yeah just to fulfill that want to be wanted...

I don't know like seriously I want just this one person right now and forever but seems like that ship has sailed and he does not want me in the same respect so what am I to do? It is like everyone that comes along I am not satisfied with because they don't amount to what he did for me, how even without his presence I was sure he was thinking of me... love.... man does it have its ways of fucking with the mind and heart.... anyway....

my little cousin Anthony turns 21 on Sunday November 8th and so we are going to party!!! lol School is coming along just fine and I look to graduation in May!

....

Dear God,
I know you are well aware of everything is going on in my life, but right now I am coming to you praying, asking, pleading that you bind my family back together... It seems the older I get the more I see things in my family members that hurts me, depresses me and whats even worse is the fact that I feel helpless like I cant do any thing about it. I am so sick of my family treating people like crap, the gossip I hear the things I witness its all so depressing! My dad is like going all over the place with these drugs and its like he doesn't want to help himself and I hurt for him, I feel his pain on top of my pain and it hurts God, it really hurts... I want so much more for my little sister its like I'm witnessing a hell even when personally things for myself are going quite well... please God grab hold of my family....

Ok so its been a long long time since i have written. In short news I had a wonderful 23rd birthday, the very first one with my only brother! God is so good! Ok, I am down in Augusta for the summer about an hour or so out of ATL but thats not why im blogging today....

Today i watched noahs arc jumping the broom three times! That movie really got to me. I am so lost in thought right now! Ok, so i know that i have been really busy in my young life or rather younger years... koming out at 16 was hard... i thought i was the ish on the chicago gay scene and i mean people really helped that notion going, i was never turned down, boys wanted me left and right and i was out doing whatever (you know what that means)... it wasnt until i got out of an abusive relationship and into a real life relationship did i begin start thinking about my lifestyle, my goals, my everything, and yes LOVE. I was in a relationship where i was not ready but i thought i did. my partner was overly ready and things did not work out... (you know what that means too).

Since that 2/3 year relationship i attempted to fill an emptyness i had inside to cover up my past, my childhood, my young want to have fun and have it all life, but i didnt have it all. i didnt have my life where it is now i didnt have love that i thought i had to seek outside of myself but being here in G.A. with my brother i have learned otherwise. my brother has thought me that no matter where i am in my life i should always first and foremost love my life, my decisions and know that my decisions should be what I want for ME because utimatlely i am laying the foundation for MY Life. Then I watched nohas arc jumping the broom movie and my soul ran miles and miles outside of its comfort zone...

I know that I love another man that has expressed that the simple possiblity of a mutual feeling is there. in fact He has reassured me that he too loves me. i have realized that i rushed in on him at first simply just because of a kute face and I was ready "to have" for a lustful engagement. however it (the feelings i have for and towards myself and he" have grown past what even i would have ever dreamed in my happily ever after dreams. i think of him more and more, i dont have to be in his pressence to feel him, to appreciate him. i dont have to recieve any tangable thing from him i dont have to have any physical from him all i need is for him to know that i love him and dont have even revieve ANYTHING IN RETURN to know that he feels the same... I AM IN LOVE PEOPLE AND I WANNA MAKE IT AN OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP I AM READY. .....

Help!

AHHHH so one please help me! Ok so I made a huge mistake in not communicating and be up front and honest with the one I love the most. Thing caught up with me and I had no choice but to be honest with him. Here is where it gets confusing. He forgave me! He gave another chance! I don't know why, I dont know how, but he did! I know he is the one for me and I know that I wont ever be stupid again. I have been so overwhelemed with emotion as of late. I am getting ready to leave him, my family and friends and go to ATL for the summer to live with my brother and work...I am so excited to go but I just really want him there too! AGGHHHHH Then its Mother's day coming up! I always get sad and depressed, given the circumstances of my life. I dont know I am just so lost right now! I need to pray...ttyl

Do I make you happy...

He looked me straight in my eyes, held my hand and asked me "do I make you happy" and I was blown away! I was overwhelmed to have someone who actually cared enough to ask me if they made me happy! So I came up with this piece to express my feelings after I woke up this morning...

Do I make you happy, am I everything you ever wanted
see he could tell that I was in love with him
over and over again he caught me staring, caught my eyes glaring
felt my pulse beat faster each time we shared the presence of one another
He told me that he didnt want sex unless I wanted him and that I should know that he wanted sex with no one other
than me, but see it was a messege of more than just a sexual desire
he asked me my dreams, what made my heart beat, what in life did I aspire
to be hmpf....

I never had anyone tell me that they wanted me to experience something that I would be proud of, something I would remember, something that would instantly make me smile the next morning, until he said it to me while looking deep into my eyes...

see love and lust, used to play hardball with my mind three strikes and my heart was eventually out but with him, I'm like a cat with nine lives
I'm like a track and field star my heart paces faster with each stride
with each soft kiss, with each joyful wish, I love him.

Growing and going, going and growing, listening and responding, responding and listening
feeling and feelingless but never feeling less
smiling and crying, crying and laughing
agreeing and disagreeing learning to agree to disagree
I respect you and you respect me caring enough to ask
"do I make you happy"

Feeling Good!

What a week last week! The 4th annual spring fashion show was great! I am so happy it turned out very nice! Ok so on to today. Today my mind began racing with all these memories and thoughts about past lovers, deceased family members and just all the events that are most memorable to me from my younger days of life. I was almost overwhelmed, but in a good way. I am feeling alive, fun and free. I am in love with someone who reminds me everyday that my self appreciation and love are what comes first and in realizing that, I realize I dont necisarilly need to be loved physically or mentally by anyone other than myself and God. I am looking forward to my visit to ATL with my brother!!! Whooo! So much to do so much to catch up on. I really hate that I will be leaving many of my friends behind in Chicago but I mean sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done. I really feel like I am so happy with life. I used to think that the acceptance of those who I called a friend was what made me happy but it is not. I am happy with just being me! I don't need or aquire "clicks" or friendships for the comfort of being alone or for show. I have friends that I know that I can talk to and be around without having to hide or bottle any of my personality or who I am. I love the fact that I am a person who does not need or require the action of seeking faults in others in order to comfort my own instabilities. I feel good! I just want to encourage everyone to think about the choices we make everyday. Stop doiong what you think others may see as good or acceptable, stop doing what you believe others expect, start living for you! Keep it respectable and fun! God will handle the rest!

yeh uoy ereht (yes I know what it looks like lol)

OK, so I know it has been sometime since I wrote in my blog. Thanks AJ for getting me back on track. I had to reset my password but it's all done now and so I should be on here for the most part all the time lol. Where do I start. Well hmm, you know when you find out that you are growing in you can not control it because God has something instore for your life, that's where I am right now. I am so overwhelmed with so many things and yet I can't complain because I know God is moving through my life for the betterment of my life. I have fallen in love with myself again (smile) and I have fallen in love with someone as well. I have a fashion show coming up April 15ht and boy am I drained from all the preparing, but its going well! (Thanks Shamare, Deanna, Mike, Pam, Becca, Stacey and both Imani's as well as Gugu) Where do I go from that hmmm.... Well big plans for the summer, I will be moving to ATL with my brother (just for the summer). My book has officially been approved and is hitting Borders and other stores soon so go cop that! (Memories Of Mine A Poetic Journey by Isaac Ricks also found at www.lulu.com). I recently got a new tatoo in japanese that means honor right below the one that means achievement. I am kinda busy right now doing homework but I took a quick break to update everyone. Until next time~